Weapons of Mass Distraction

Private Miller had been summoned to a top-secret briefing. The commander, face like stone, addressed the small group: “Gentlemen, we’re seeking volunteers for a classified field test. You’ll be helping us deploy a new kind of... booby trap .” Miller's eyes lit up. “Booby traps? Finally! About time we got some real bang for our buck,” he whispered, nudging the guy next to him. They were promptly flown to a remote facility in the middle of nowhere. Security was tight, personnel silent as statues. The only clue came from a tech who muttered, “Hope you’re ready for some... major physical changes.” Miller laughed it off. “Buddy, I’ve eaten C4 rations, I’ve slept through grenade drills. Unless this trap explodes into jazz hands, I’m good.” Next thing he knew, he was on a cold medical table, half-naked, surrounded by doctors and engineers with clipboards and ominously cheerful smiles. “Just relax,” one said, injecting something into his arm. Everything went black. He woke up grog...